NOVELS

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Warning — This story is <R> rated.

You Gotta Use Protection

By Wayne Austin

That had to be the weirdest blowjob ever. Still, it had been the perfect start to a brilliant night. Billy arched his back and stretched his arms over his head, grinning like a Cheshire cat at the early morning sun peeping over the horizon. He yawned and dropped his arms before rolling his shoulders and twisting round to gaze at the gorgeous woman who lay face-down on his tattered bed with its filthy sheets that hadn’t been changed in over two years. With each breath, she let out a soft snore.

She shuffled, bringing her right knee up and turning her head from left to right, and commenced her soft snoring again. Now Billy could see her furry furrow where he had ploughed her over and over through most of the night until a few hours ago, sowing so much seed that poor Ol’ Rodger the Todger still ached. He looked down at his throbbing cock and smirked.

Even shriveled up as it was, it still put most men to shame. It was God’s gift to women. Add in his Adonis body, square-cut chin, boyish smile and piercing blue eyes, why, who needed money? The women tourists, half-pissed and desperate horny, always flocked around, eager to buy him drinks whenever he drove the few miles up to the snowfields to check out the dance clubs. It was the same when he travelled to the caravan park to work the summer season at the seaside. At twenty-two, life was a sensual smorgasbord. He never went home alone, sometimes with two and once with three. And, as he liked to brag to anyone who cared to listen, left all three more than satisfied, if not a little sore.

And last night was even better than when he was seventeen and had just left home and gone to the Gold Coast on a working holiday. Sure, that American tourist was old — thirty-nine and just divorced for the third time — but her two kids, back in Baltimore in the States, hadn’t ruined her body. She was sunbathing naked on her apartment balcony and had caught him spying on her from the adjacent hotel where he had gotten casual work. But she didn’t yell and scream at him or threaten to call the cops. No, she lay on her back and stared at him for a while, then she stood and squeezed some suntan lotion onto her fingers and began to massage it over her breasts. Then she stopped and held the bottle out to him, her free hand squeezing her breast, and smiling funny as if to ask him if he liked what he saw. And that afternoon and all that night, she had explored his gift and he had discovered he could put rabbits to shame. When she left at the end of the week, he had even shed a tear. If that was love, then so was this with this amazing dream come true ... but with a capital capital-“L”.

Billy thought about lying back down and nestling up against her for another round of farmer’s daughter, but the way Ol’ Rodger throbbed, it might be a little while before there was any more plowing. He propped up on his elbow to study her better — he didn’t even know her name, so eager had she been. How she had squirmed and laughed when he had explored between her lightly tanned buttocks, so deliciously tight and perfect. His brow furrowed for a moment as he pondered how they had met. Between seasons, even though his chances of scoring were much lower, he never bothered with hitchhikers, but there she was, on the side of the road, waving and jumping up and down as he approached, her tight little dress working its way up her thighs.... He had never met anyone so glad to see him in all his life as when she scrambled in on the passenger’s side and threw herself at him. Hell, all his Christmases and birthdays had come at once.

Only ... now now he stopped to think about it. What was she doing out in the middle of nowhere like that?

But she had been so eager to please and the first thing she did was go down on him. Billy scratched the stubble on his chin and almost laughed as he remembered.

“Hey!” he had yelled at her as Ol’ Rodger’s knob began to tingle, so intense it almost hurt. “I know it’s called a blowjob, but you’re actually supposed to suck, not blow.” The tingling spread down the shaft of his cock and back to his balls, but then Billy came so hard he thought he had broken something.

And what did she mean when she said she had given him something special to cement their love? Maybe he would ask her when she woke up. And maybe he’d ask her to stay. That was always the worst part, having to drive them back to town and then ask if they could spare him a few dollars for petrol money — ten or twenty bucks should do — and ignoring the way they looked at him as they handed the notes over, like he had broken the spell. This was one spell he didn’t want to break. But first, he needed a piss.

Ol’ Rodger burned, or maybe stung was a better word, as Billy struggled to get a decent flow happening. He closed his eyes and groaned. “Don’t tell me.... Damn!” Mom had always said he should use protection. “We don’t want any little accidents now, do we?” he said in a singsong voice, then grunted a morose laugh. And yet.... All the other times his guests had left him with a parting gift, the symptoms had never come on this quick. But if it wasn’t her, then who...?

Billy flicked the last few drops free and reached down to scratch his balls, but his fingers dug into a taut ball of flesh, as firm as her butt cheeks. This was like no parting gift he had ever received. What had she done to him?

Frowning and more than a little bemused, he charged out of the toilet, without even flushing, to confront his mystery guest. Perfect or not, she had no right to abuse his family jewels in this way. But the bed was empty. He checked the bathroom and the kitchenette, but there was no where else she could hide. Had she done a runner? Taken his car? He raced outside, but it was still where he had parked it: at an angle after he had slid across the gravel, more because she had been all over him than because he had tried to impress her. Maybe she had gone out the back door. He sprinted three circuits round the house, scanning the fields as well, and pulled up, huffing, to scratch his head.

No, but if she wasn’t inside or outside, where was she then? Billy rubbed his eyes and squinted at the horizon. How could anyone disappear like that? There was just nowhere to hide.

And it wasn’t like he really wanted to berate her. His shoulders sagged and he wandered back inside. Despite her odd effect on his scrotum, he still wanted her to stay. Even more now that she was gone. So what if she had given him something? It wasn’t like he was a stranger down at the clinic. That black-haired nurse would be more than happy to see him. Last time, when she had driven all the way up to check to make sure he had finished his course of antibiotics, she made sure he used a condom, several in fact.

“You should always use protection,” she had purred as she slipped the first one on. “Always.” And then she had straddled his hips and lowered herself onto eager Ol’ Rodger the Todger. But it was fair enough for her; she had a husband to think of.

Billy sucked in his lips to keep the tears at bay and trudged back inside to make a call.

“You’re not embarrassed, are you?”

Billy shook his head, but stared straight up at the ceiling as he held Ol’ Rodger in his hand. “No,” he mumbled.

He always saw old Doctor Morgensen, but this doctor, bending over him and digging her fingers into his ball bag, was a lot younger than old Morgensen and quite attractive. What if Ol’ Rodger got excited? Not that Ol’ Rodger had been in the mood the last week. Billy held onto Ol’ Roger even tighter. In fact that was more of a worry than his swollen scrotum. Oh why did old Morgensen have to be away?

“There’s no need to be,” she continued, “I’ve probably seen more penises and examined more scrotums than you’ve had hot dinners, but this....” She shook her head as she pondered the smoothed-out skin of his scrotum. “Even though it’s certainly larger than when Doctor Morgensen last examined you, it’s not any venereal disease I’m aware of. The blood tests are negative. Not even for testicular cancer.” She squeezed the firm bag yet again and moved her fingers over its surface, palpating as they went, like she was squeezing tomatoes to see if they were over-ripe. “It doesn’t feel like fluid. Any tenderness?”

“No. It’s more like a tightness. Just uncomfortable — uh!”

“Is that sore?”

“A bit.”

“I think that’s one of your testicles.” With a final all-over squeeze, she let go and straightened, a hint of a frown on her mouth. “You can put your pants on.” She turned away, pulling at her rubber gloves, and left him behind the screen.

Dressed, Billy eased himself into the chair next to the doctor’s desk and waited for the bad news. Because of his lifestyle, he knew a lot about STDs — probably as much as this doctor did — but this.... Not knowing was the scariest part and her bedside manner certainly didn’t help.

“I’ve never come across anything like this,” she said without looking up. “I think you need to see a specialist and get a biopsy.”

“What’s that?”

“The doctor will stick a needle in and pull out a sample of what’s in there and then run some tests ... just to see if it is cancerous or not.”

A shiver danced across Billy’s shoulders. “A needle?”

She scribbled a note and put it into an envelope. “Here’s one I know down in Melbourne.” She handed him the envelope. “The nurse can make the appointment if you like.”

And with that, she began to flick back through his file, her bemused frown dismissing him. At the counter, he avoided eye contact with the black-haired nurse and got out as fast as he could. No doctor was going to stick needles into his balls. The mere thought made him sick to his stomach.

Billy waddled back and forth, pacing his bedroom-come-lounge. Why hadn’t he gone to see that specialist? Even after he had blown all his dough he could’ve bummed the money for a bus ticket off someone or hocked something, not that he had much. It had been three weeks since he had seen that doctor, four since that woman had done this to him. He probed his scrotum through the sarong he now wore since he couldn’t get into his jeans or any of his jocks. The bloody thing stuck out from his groin. It was bigger than a grapefruit — a rotten grapefruit with a small, limp worm dangling down from on top. And despite the horror of it all, he missed her more every day.

The taut surface moved under his fingers. Very faint. For a moment, Billy questioned whether he had really felt anything.

He had tried to drown out the funny sensation in his balls for one week with booze and then tried to blow it away with dope in the next. That was until his money had dried up. Now, with food running out and no petrol in the car, there was no way he could walk to town in a month of Sundays. What could he do? Once again he fought off the urge to scream out his frustration—

It did it again. Billy’s fingers froze. Something was alive in his scrotum. Oh God no, what had she done to him. A memory burst into his head, a scene from an old film, Alien, of a horrible scaly monster bursting from some guy’s stomach, but that was nothing compared to his nightmare. His monster would burst from his balls.

Billy closed his eyes and whimpered. “Oh Jesus no.” Poor Ol’ Rodger the Todger would never get to plough any more delicious young furrows.

Whatever was in his scrotum squirmed again. A sharp pain shot through his balls, the same aching emptiness he had felt when someone had kicked a soccer ball at him in high school and caught him unawares. “Oh shit!” He doubled over and collapsed to the floor. The thing “kicked” again and he squealed.

Then the front door swung open. He rolled over and peered up at the silhouetted figure in the doorway.

“Oh good,” the woman said, “I’m not too late.”

“What have you done to me?” Billy shrieked as another sharp pain cut him to the core. But behind the sharp pain, a duller pain began to diffuse into his groin and lower abdomen, building in intensity as it spread. Then it moved into the base of Ol’ Rodger. Billy sucked in a sharp breath and hissed, but it did nothing to ease the pain. What a time to have to pass a kidney stone.

She knelt down and placed some kind of round, terra cotta jar beside him, then tore his sarong away.

“Jesus! What are you doing?” Billy managed to gasp, his voice a mere squeak. “This is no time to fuck!”

She pressed some buttons on the side and eased the top off the jar. “Our children are being born. This is an incubator.”

Another pain lanced Ol’ Rodger. Billy arched his back and then hunched up and screamed until snot flowed from his nose to mix with his river of tears. He gritted his teeth and managed to open his eyes and peer at poor Ol’ Rodger. Then he wished he hadn’t.

Poor Ol’ Rodger was caught up in a terrible impression of one of those sausage balloons buskers use to make animals with. The base of his stalk began to inflate and stiffen up as this “child” tried to to force its way to freedom and the pain grew so bad that Billy couldn’t find the breath or the strength to scream. If he had a knife he’d do his own Caesarean and happily slice Ol’ Rodger the Todger to pieces. Pregnant women could have drugs to ease the pain of birth, so why couldn’t he? Where was that bitch of a doctor when he needed her? Oh God, he’d kill for just the sniff of an aspirin.

The pain reached the tip of his cock and Billy swooned, but the blessed relief only lasted for a few seconds. He came to in time to see some kind of gray-green knob ooze out the tip of Ol’ Rodger. On and on, the glistening slug-like body eased out. But that wasn’t the end of it. The pain perked up and Ol’ Roger began to distend again. Billy watched in an electric-thudding haze, too wasted to suffer, as yet another slug exuded out into the world.

At last, it slipped out completely and the pain faded to a dull but bearable throb. Billy lay back and sucked in deep breath after deep breath, and then a sense of well-being overwhelmed him, far, far better than any orgasm he had ever had. He rolled over and stared at the fruit of his loins.

The woman scooped the squirming slugs up and held them in her cupped hands, staring at them with adoring eyes, a mother with her newborn twins, and then slipped them into the jar. Billy sagged back to the floor. There were so many questions he needed to ask, he didn’t know where to start. In the end, he settled on the direct approach. “Wha-what are you? Some kind of alien?” He wiped the sweat-soaked mat of hair from his eyes and peered at her like she was some green, bug-eyed freak straight out of a B-movie.

She gazed at him with a smile that could melt the coldest heart. Ol’ Rodger the Todger stirred. “Not exactly,” she murmured. “I’m a biological construct — a machine, if you like.” She rose to her knees and pulled her short dress up over her head to reveal her wondrous body. “Built to your exact specifications.” She arched her back and shook out her auburn tresses, a sultry smile on her face. Ol’ Rodger the Todger sprang to life with a mind of its own. Even Billy felt drawn in by the pull of her smile and the intense pain he had just suffered through a moment before dwindled to a distant, fading memory.

But he shook off her hypnotic spell as her words spiralled around in her brain.

“A ... a machine?” He jerked back and pulled his knees to his chest, now that he could. “What kind of a machine? What were those things that ... that came out of my — what did you use me for?”

“Those things are our children, the fruit of our love. Just think of them as caterpillars.” She popped the top back on the jar. “And this is their cocoon. One day two beautiful creatures, part-human, will emerge. As for me,” she said in a sultry voice as she leant forward to stare into Billy’s eyes, “I’m an inseminator.”

“A what?”

“An inseminator. I inseminated you. Like cattle breeders inseminate cows. They take semen from bulls and fertilize cows with it.”

Billy furrowed his brow, trying to make sense of this. “But ... but shouldn’t I be the bull? I’m the guy. Shouldn’t I be inseminating you?”

She smiled, like he was a naive child. “The two ova I inseminated you with, they each absorb a spermatozoon to form a cell, which then divides and absorbs another spermatozoon in turn. They need lots and lots of sperm. Very few men are so fecund. You have a gift; that’s why we picked you out.”

Billy’s jaw dropped. “You are an alien! And you’re gonna take over the Earth, like in that movie—”

“Whatever makes you think that?” The woman sat back and laughed in disbelief as she stared at Billy. “What a paranoid species you are. We don’t want your planet; we only want to utilize a few thousand of your men to breed the population we need. Don’t you want to be utilized?” she murmured in a coy voice.

She pushed Billy down and smothered him with a kiss that lit a dormant volcano in his loins. Despite a lingering soreness, Ol’ Rodger the Todger jolted to attention, rock hard and aching for duty, ready to betray all of mankind in the name of lust. But Billy wasn’t. Not quite. He struggled to break free of her kiss and managed to push her away.

“You ... you are gonna take over!”

She sighed and sat astride Billy, squishing Ol’ Rodger, and placed Billy’s hands on her breasts. “We’re not—”

“Then ... then why are you breeding with us?” Try as he might, Billy couldn’t pull his hands away. It had been so long and her breasts gripped his fingers like the north pole gripped the south pole of two strong magnets. His thumbs toyed with her hard nipples.

“We don’t want your planet, we want to colonize another world twenty light years from here.”

Billy’s thumbs stopped their circling and he screwed his face up as he tried to understand. “Then why come here?”

She slid back until she straddled his knees. Her finger nails raked his chest and stomach in teasing caresses and Ol’ Rodger the Todger threatened to start without her.

“Do you know what it takes to colonize a planet? Do you know how rare habitable planets are? And yet they always come in little clusters in star systems that were created after a supernova.”

“What’s a super—?”

“I had to travel over five hundred light years to get here. And then to find two planets with oxygen atmospheres and one with an advanced life form on the verge of technological capability, why,” she lunged forward and mauled him with a kiss before pulling back, “it means I can utilize your species as a compatible template for the other planet. It will save me thousands of years. All I had to do was take our germ data and manipulate it into a compatible DNA structure.”

“I don’t, uh!”

She slid back and wrapped her lips around Ol’ Rodger and blew. A strange tingling danced along its length. Billy sucked in a sharp breath. Oh, that was so good. But what if she...? No, not again! He looked around, desperate, and tried to wriggle free. Somewhere on his dresser, there were still a few condoms left from that nurse’s visit.

“Stop ... stop!”

She released Ol’ Rodger. “What? You can’t tell me you don’t like it.”

“No, but we gotta use protection.”

She smiled and her eyes chuckled at him. “Too late.” She went down on him again. Then Ol’ Rodger betrayed him.

Billy pushed her off him. “Why? Why did you do it again? You inseminated me, didn’t you?”

“Of course, darling, I want to have a big family. And next time, we’ll have quadruplets. Just think of it, new babies every four weeks for the next fifty years.”

“What!” Billy dragged himself away from her and hugged his knees to his chest. “Fifty years! Are you crazy? Jesus! That’s what....”

“We want to generate an even ten million babies,” she said as if it was nothing. “But don’t worry. The first birth is always the hardest. They won’t be quite as painful from now on.” She stood up and held out her hand. “Let’s go to bed. And I won’t leave you this time.”

Despite her pull, Billy hesitated and glanced over at the jar. “What do you do with them?”

“When we finish building a colony ship, we send it off to the other planet with a batch of young. They’ll transform as they grow up and be educated so they’re ready when they arrive.”

“You build spaceships? Where? There must be hundreds of aliens—” She pressed a finger to Billy’s lips to shush him.

“There are no aliens, my creators send seed ships — robots, if you like — on these journeys. It’s too uneconomic to send large numbers on such long trips. It’s much easier to build a species adapted to whatever ecology exists when the seed ship arrives. My seed ship built a robot and when it got here, it built four thousand,” she smiled, “inseminators. And while we inseminate and harvest the children, it builds the colony ships out at the edge of your star system. In fifty years we will be gone, but we’ll leave a greeting in case your species ever gets out that far.”

Her pull overwhelmed Billy, and he clambered to his feet. “What ... what if I don’t want to?” he managed to murmur.

But he already knew his answer. There was something about her that took his breath away and Ol’ Rodger the Todger was way ahead of him. She said she was built to his exact specifications. Oh God, was she built! She lay back on his filthy bed and stared at him with a sultry, expectant smile and before he knew it, he was on top of her, plowing her furrow and rattling the bed board as hard he could. It was too late for protection, far, far too late.

“I don’t believe it,” Nurse O’Tool muttered over and over as she stood before the holoscreen. Billy just cackled. Everyone had thought he was nuts, spouting on about aliens, but now they would know. The live feed came in from the find of the millennium out at the edge of the Solar System.

“It’s incredible! There’s a ... a—” The astronaut spluttered for a moment, lost for words, and then calmed herself. “There’s a plaque with all sorts of writing — they’re human languages ... here’s something in English!”

Nurse O’Tool whirled around and stared at Billy, her eyes as big as saucers. “Oh my God, you were right!” Her chest heaved. Billy admired her chunky body. She was a tease and they had got on like a house on fire, flirting with each other and a couple of times she had let him get a hand halfway up her thighs before batting it away and admonishing him. And all with a cheeky smile. At forty and with what seemed a fat chance that she would ever have a man in her life, it tickled her fancy that there was still so much life in this ol’ centenarian. Each year, his hand managed to creep a little higher before she stopped it, and with a laugh she promised him that if he made it to a hundred and ten, why he might just get lucky.

Billy smirked. “I hope you haven’t forgotten our bet?”

Her face fell. “But ... but I might kill you.” Then her eyes narrowed and her mouth curled into a sly smile. “And you have to get it up first. You had me going there—”

With a wavering hand, Billy whipped out a pack of Insta-rect from under the sheets and held them up to her.

“I’ll read it out to you,” said the astronaut. “Greetings to the human race....”

Billy spoke out the greeting as well, word for word as he had memorized it thirty-odd years before. With each word, Nurse O’Tool’s smile faded, then her jaw fell. And with each word, Billy’s smile grew bigger and bigger into a leer.

“And lastly,” the astronaut’s voice faltered for a moment, “I would like to send a big cheerio to Billy from his children — all two and a half thousand of them. And a big kiss to Ol’ Rodger the Todger.”

Billy burst out into an almighty cackle. Poor Nurse O’Tool trembled.

“Tha-that’s you, isn’t it?” she whispered.

Billy nodded. “I helped to write it.” He popped a pill under his tongue and after thirty years of hibernation, life flowed back into his dormant organ. It stirred beneath the sheets. Billy slid his hands under and undid his pajama pants.

“And ... and who is Ol’ Rodger the Todger?”

“Ta-da!” Billy pushed his sheets back and Ol’ Rodger sprung forth, ready for some action.

“What? You must be kidding!”

“We had a bet, remember? You promised you’d screw me if I could prove I wasn’t crazy.”

For several seconds, Nurse O’Tool stared at him long and hard before letting out a hesitant chuckle. “Really, I meant it as a joke. I never thought—”

“Come on, we don’t have much time.”

“What do you mean?”

“The Press will be here soon. After all the noise I made while the expedition was on its way, I’ll be famous, a celebrity. And you will be too, if you play your cards right.”

She peered at him as if he was crazy. “What are you talking about? I’m only your nurse.”

“You don’t think I told everything, do you? And I’m too old, but you ... don’t you wanna hear the whole story, like how I got these huge stretch marks on my scrotum?” Billy stretched out the flap of skin over his thighs, two dimples the only sign of his testicles’ existence. “I kept a diary and I’ve got videos and pictures too. You can have the lot. Who’ll be the celebrity then?” Billy gave her a sly wink. “Come and say hello to Ol’ Rodger.”

“You’ve got to be kidding ... though he is quite a size.” She reached out and twirled a fingernail around Ol’ Rodger’s knob. “How about a nice, relaxing blowjob, something that won’t kill you?”

Billy flinched and jerked O’l Rodger away. “Uh, no. Please. I’ve left you everything in my will. But, if you won’t, I can always change it....” He eased his hand out toward her and it wavered as he slid it up the inside of her thighs.

“Oh to be rich and famous. Just imagine....”

Eyes closed and lips pursed, Nurse O’Tool slowly shook her head as she mulled it over, then, with a smirk, as his fingers brushed her damp panties, she began to unbutton her uniform in a slow striptease. “You really are a dirty old man. I’ll just pretend you’re that nice young Doctor Wilkins.”

“Oh, just one thing.” Billy reached over to his dresser and pulled open a drawer.

She paused, her panties half off, while he fumbled about, and then stared, bemused, at the ancient box he pulled out and offered up to her. She stepped out of her panties and took the box to look at its label. “What’s this?” She looked at Billy and cocked her eyebrows. “Condoms? What do you want these for? No one uses condoms these days.”

Billy sighed and lay back. “I learnt the hard way a long time ago. You gotta use protection.”